Presumption of “No”

Have you heard about the traffic light or “stoplight” analogy in sexual encounters? It goes like this (courtesy of Hugo Schwyzer):

Traffic signals, of course, have three colors: red for stop, yellow for caution, green for go. Good drivers are taught to stop on “red”, which functions as a “no”. But of course, even at the busiest urban intersections, no light stays red indefinitely. If you wait long enough at a stoplight, every red will become green. And when all we do is teach young men that “no means stop” when it comes to sexual boundaries, we often send them the message that if they just wait long enough (or pester, push, nag, beg, play passive-aggressive games) they’ll get the “green light” they’re so hungry for. Good “sexual boundaries workshops” must go beyond the “no means no” message. Specifically, we looked at the ways in which many men will accept a “no” as a “yellow light” rather than a red, assuming that if they simply keep up unrelenting pressure (often abetted by alcohol or exhaustion) they’ll get the permission they seek.

This stoplight analogy is particularly helpful if we consider the meaning of the “yellow”. In driver’s education classes, students are taught that yellow means “slow down”. Of course, most folks on the surface streets of this country interpret it rather differently in practice; for all too many, a yellow means “Gun it, before it turns red!” Our cultural stereotypes about rape and consent involve a similar disconnect between what makes sense and what often happens in reality. In our imagination, a rapist is someone who “runs the red light” in blatant disregard of a clear, unambiguous “no”. But while that may be what is needed to meet the legal definition of rape, this understanding ignores the complexity of consent – and enthusiasm. It’s not uncommon for, say, a young woman to be eager to “make out” with a guy she likes. She may send a clear message of “yes” to kissing and caressing. She may not, for example, want to take off her pants or have the guy try and take them off for her. She may push his hands away when he tries to unbutton them, all the while kissing him with apparent excitement. Contrary to what some argue, she’s not sending a mixed message at all. Her enthusiasm for one set of pleasurable activities does not vitiate her right to reject something “more.” There is never a point past which consent cannot be withdrawn.

Just like at an intersection, a yellow light ought to be interpreted as a signal to slow down. In most sexual encounters, consent is fluid: with each kiss and caress it is negotiated. The currency of that negotiation is desire; not the desire to just “get it over with” but authentic arousal. Sometimes, we might want to be grabbed passionately and have our partner’s hands immediately on our genitals; other times, we might want a much-longer period of foreplay. We have the right to insist that we go no further than we are ready to go at any given moment. A “not yet” might, in a matter of only a few moments, turn into a “God, please, now!” For young people, so often so awkward (and, too often, intoxicated) it can be all too easy to miss non-verbal signals.

What is the message?

The message that needs to be repeated over and over again is this one: true consent is never tacit, it is never silent. Too many young men become date rapists by confusing silence with a clear, verbal affirmation. “No means no”, but – especially with partners you don’t know well – you need to presume that silence (especially when accompanied by physical passivity) is also a loud, clear, shout-it-from-the-flippin’-rooftops, “NO!” How many women have had sex they didn’t desire with men they didn’t want simply because they were too tired of fighting, too tired of resisting, too eager to just have it over with?

x x x Our cultural messages teach young people to “not give up” and to “go for it” in a wide variety of arenas. Even now, in the 21st century, we still teach far too many young women to play “hard to get” and, we teach young men to enjoy the “thrill of the chase.” While in so many other areas of life, dogged determination in the face of rejection is laudable, when it comes to sex, that kind of persistence enables a very real form of rape.

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